Int: Its my resoulotion, Its time to take Control of ME!

I would say im really happy now, working hard, earning money and having a good time in all this time Ive had, I said to myself last year after meeting Emily and changing my whole life from self harm, I knew there was a place where I wanted to go to and I knew if I pulled my head down and hard enough I will worked hard enough and get there, in the end I did but I got lost on the way and confused and lost a lot of people I cared about more to anything in my life.
I don’t feel for a lot of things anymore. Im not quite the person I was before self harm either, I no longer posses unadulterated bravery, the absoloute self-belief in me, or the un-flinching confidence I had when I was a kid, but maybe that’s a good thing?

At the exactly the same time my life and work has now changed me, im keeping my head down about where I want to go from college, but my life and inside my thoughts from my head have changed, I was so now happy thanks to Emily from changing my life from the beginning and persuading me not to give in at the last minute when I rang her crying because I felt like a complete and utterly piece of s*** and a failure, but I tried soooo hard to step away from her in the end it got to much for the both of us because I was so clingy and needy of her forcing her into several roles as she knows that she didn’t want, so I started to belive in something, I belived in my carrer after college and I gave it my all! Emily meantime was doing her own thing, several weekends down the pub having a laugh or just having times of fun with her mates, since I moved to Carnon Downs I never really saw her anymore but I always made the effort, we both got busy again in life and we rapidly grew apart but pissing each other off at times, im not saying the slate is squeaky clean between us, yeah its my fault a lot of the time, we were arguing quite oftern, and it wasn’t like it used to be, I never saw her, when I came home(to mums) she’d be busy, and she was hopeless at times on the phone.

Ive already spoken about losing her from my last chapter, she was the best friend anyone can have, she will always have my friendship and I still care about what she is and who she is still, I used to tell myself that she changed, but truth is it was me!
Since dropping her friendship and the freedom she gave me away from dads. I became to feel this vibe of wanting to control my life again as everything else seemed to be falling apart, many times I would be on msn trying to persuade her back, she wouldn’t be swayed, she let me down gently because she knew it was easyier in that way, im now thankfull she tried.
But im beginning to feel like I need to control my life, I tried my hardest to avoid self harm, in the end I gave in… my wrist bleeding, me crying on my bed wishing for dad to come home because I missed her I rember saying on the bed “ I need her back….. I want her…. Im so sorry emily…. Please come back” but in this chapter im not gonna make myself look like im still needing her, as ive still got the tendancy to control my life in one area whilst I feel out of control, Ive begun to feel flaws in her, feel flaws in anyone, instead of self harming as I cannot do anymore my skin gets tougher to slice open everytime I try, ive begun to control the one thing I can do, dads controlling my finances, mums controling my head everytime I see her still telling me s*** about dad, but what I really want was to control my body and mind, something no-one else can do, so yesterday I went without any food at work as an experimant to see how it goes, Emily knows I used to do the one meal a day, but this time im not doing it to lose weight fast as it works im doing it for control, I need to feel control in my life, started off as an experiment yesterday at work, I cut everything out of my day, no breakfast, no break at maccys, no dinner, I cut it all out, I got hunger pangs in my stomach when I went to bed last night, but I was so tempted to stop and get me to eat, but I sed no, I survived on coke and diet coke yesterday at work, seemed easy enough.

Seeing its dads birthday today as I wrote this chapter im trying to find away now of getting it out of my system because I don’t like the food sitting here in my stomach, ive got the buzz to carry on, I feel in control for once of my body and mind and I feel that all I want to is dissapear, I feel fat ugly, I have no control of what I want to do, I emotionally and physically have no control of my life dad now has taken my money I work my arse of for and everything, im in control I keep telling myself, I know ill be alright in the end, I just wanna control my weight I wanna look thinner, you should see em! Shes soooooo skinny, I wanna be nice and thin, even my friends are slimmer than me, my sister can eat a Big Mac meal at macdonolds and shes still not put weight on, all I do is pile the pounds which makes me ugly.
Its time to take control,……………so I went to the doctors in carnon downs, said I have really bad consipation, they gave me some Laxatives, pretty usefull…. They have given me them to hold me through till it goes, only 24… but thease are making me feel in control, I now have been sitting on the toilet for a good few times during break fast and lunch getting rid of this food that is making me fat and piling on pounds. I feel disgusted that I can shove on pounds and guys wont give me a glance im supposed to be happy with Louise, she wants me on msn any day she or I have off to talk to her till midnight… im so out of control,………